InsaneJournal

"I see the dream and I see the nightmare, and I believe you can't have the dream without the nightmare."
-Tori Amos

I woke with a start and sat up in the bed. My heart was hammering wildly in my chest and for a terrifying second I didn't realize where I was. Then as my eyes slowly adjusted to the semi-darkness, the shadows around me became familiar. The blue lights shone comfortingly above my head and I felt my heart start to slow down. I wasn't in the parking garage anymore; I was at the loft in Brian's bed.

I sensed movement beside me and I turned my head. Brian was leaning up on one elbow, his face alert, his outstretched arm hovering between us on the bed. He didn't try to touch me for which I was grateful. He'd learned that when I woke up like this I was still a bit shaky and it was best if he let me come to him on my own; which, just like now, I always did.

I lay back down, his arm coming around me when I buried my face in his chest. I concentrated on my breathing, trying to match my own to his. His hand tracing random patterns on my back was soothing and in the warmth of his embrace I eventually managed to calm down.

"Better now?" he asked quietly after a while.

I nodded against his chest but he put a finger under my chin and gently tipped my head up. Our eyes met and I saw that he wasn't convinced.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm fine." I tried to smile but I knew it was fake.

He pushed my head back onto his chest and went back caressing my skin.

It had barely been two weeks since I'd been living with Brian so we were still relatively new at dealing with my nightmares. Well I wasn't, since I'd been having them from the day I'd awakened in the hospital but sometimes Brian was still unsure what he should do to make me feel better.

Not that I blamed him; I could never know what mood I would be in after a nightmare. Sometimes it left me fucking terrified; other times I was angry; but most of all I felt helpless. I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept through a night and I hated the way I was scared to fall asleep. But Brian was there and together we were slowly figuring out a way how to deal with all this mess.

We didn't talk about my dreams; I didn't want to and Brian never asked, so I figured he would rather not hear about them.

Most of the time I couldn't even remember them, only the sense of fear remained lurking in the back of my mind; the kind that tightened my chest and made it almost impossible to breathe.

Others I could remember vividly. Every detail burned into my brain and some of them haunted me for days. The scenario always changed; mostly it was just me and Hobbs, sometimes Brian, too. But the worst kind was probably when it was just me alone, although I could feel someone there with me but I wasn't able to see them. I just heard their approaching footsteps, not knowing where to hide, when to duck before they reached me.

"I gotta use the bathroom," Brian's voice suddenly startled me out of my thoughts. I felt his lips brush my forehead. "You need anything?" he asked softly but I just shook my head.

The other night after I'd woken up in a cold sweat, shaking and couldn't go back to sleep, Brian heated up some milk for me and then we watched some ancient movie 'til I probably fell asleep, because the next morning I woke up in bed without any memory of going back to the bedroom.

I watched as Brian got up and went into the bathroom, the harsh fluorescent light illuminating his body when he switched it on. I glanced over at the alarm and sighed; it read 3:55 am.

Tonight I'd already woken us up once, and not for the first time guilt washed over me. As much as I needed Brian, I knew that this couldn't go on much longer. In the mornings both of us were often exhausted due to the lack of sleep and I felt like I was taking advantage of him by letting him stay up with me when I was too anxious to fall back asleep.

I was worse than a baby; I only felt safe when I was with him. I knew I had to re-learn how to be on my own again. I also needed to come up with a plan as to how I was going to deal with my nightmares alone. For tonight I decided to sleep on the sofa; in a few hours the alarm would go off and Brian needed to rest without me disturbing him.

I got up and padded out naked into the living room. Luckily the blanket was still on the sofa where I'd left it the previous afternoon when I curled up there to take a nap.

Just as I lay down I heard Brian flush the toilet and come back out to the bedroom. A moment later I saw him appear on the top of the stairs.

"Justin?" he called out for me.

"Here," I said as I pushed myself up on my elbows.

He came over to me and stood at the end of the sofa. "Do you want to watch some TV?" he asked.

"No, Brian. Just go back to bed." I lay down and pulled the blanket up to my chin. I already missed the warmth of his body.

Despite the semi-darkness I saw him narrow his eyes. "You're not gonna sleep out here."

I'd been expecting this. "Brian, it's okay. Your sofa is really comfortable. Besides, I've woken you up enough times for one night." I hoped I sounded more convincing than I felt.

He looked at me for a long time and finally sighed. "Justin, come back to bed," he said softly, his voice brooking no argument.

Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and went back to the bedroom. What was I supposed to do? After a moment I got up and followed him.

He'd pulled back the covers and I quickly slid under them. The loft always got chilly at night and I was shivering a little after walking around naked.

I pressed my back closer to his chest, his warm cock reassuring against the curve of my ass. He wasn't hard but when I pushed back I felt it twitch.

He put his arm around me and I closed my eyes. Sometimes when we settled down after a nightmare and Brian took me in his arms, I felt like he needed just as much comfort as I did. It was quiet for a while and I was almost asleep again when I heard him start to talk.

"Justin," he said quietly and then stopped.

I opened my eyes, and without realizing it, I held my breath, waiting for him to continue.

"Justin," he said again. "Let me be there for you. I need," he stopped and I heard him swallow hard. "I want to do this."

I was sure he knew I was awake but for a moment I lay very still and pretended I wasn't. I didn't know what to say.

Then I slowly turned my head and he leaned over and kissed me. His lips were warm and soft and when he ran his tongue over my lower lip I sighed and opened my mouth to let him in. He deepened the kiss and brought his hand up to my neck. We kissed for a long time and when he pulled back we were both panting.

I pressed my ass more firmly into his crotch and he groaned. "Brian, please," I whispered against his lips. I didn't care if I sounded needy, but he just nodded and reached over me to retrieve a condom and a tube of lube.

I pushed back the covers and heard him fumble behind me, and then I felt a wet finger circle my hole. I gasped. He pushed it slowly inside me and after I made myself relax, he added a second finger. For a moment he just held them inside me, but it wasn't enough, so I pushed back. His chuckle in my ear made me smile. He bent his fingers a little and as his knuckles grazed my prostate, a moan slipped from my throat. After he opened me up, he slowly withdrew his fingers and when I heard the familiar tear of a wrapper I shivered, but this time not from the cold.

I felt his latex covered cock nudge my hole and he put his hand on my hip as he pushed inside me in one long, smooth thrust. When his balls rested flush against my skin he stopped and I twisted my head around to press my lips to his in a sloppy kiss.

After it ended, I turned my head back and he nuzzled the skin behind my ear. I covered his hand which rested on my hip with my own, and as if he'd been just waiting for this, he started to pull out and then gently eased back in. There was no rush as we began to move against each other; our movements slow and steady. I gasped every time he stroked over my prostate and I felt my cock leak against my belly.

Soon I needed more, faster, harder, but he held my hip and continued fucking me slowly. Although in my head I called it making love because I thought there was no other word for what we'd been doing since we'd been having sex again. I knew he wasn't ready to fuck me like he'd used to but sometimes I wondered if he would always touch me now like I might break.

I could feel myself getting closer and I bucked against him but he just held my hip tighter. I made a frustrated sound.

"Shhh. Slow," he whispered and then gently caught the fleshy part of my ear between his teeth.

I moaned and his hand slipped from under mine and he brought it up to my chest. He played with my nipples, circling one and then the other 'til they became hard, and then his fingers danced down over my stomach until they found the tip of my cock.

I was incredibly wet by now and he spread my pre-come over the head, more bubbling from the slit when he pressed a finger against it. I noticed then that I was trembling; my whole body an erogenous zone and I desperately needed to come before I flew apart into a million pieces.

When he finally wrapped his fingers around my cock, I almost came from that alone. His hand began to move up and down my shaft, his breathing harsh in my ear and he started to move his hips just a little faster.

I felt my balls draw up to my body and then I arched my back, his name slipping from my lips as my orgasm overtook me. My come covered his fingers as he milked the last drops out of my cock. After a few more thrusts he followed me over the edge, his strangled groan echoing in the silent room.

He wiped his hand on the sheets and we lay there for a few minutes, trying to catch our breath. Then he kissed the back of my neck and made a move as if to pull out but I reached back quickly and stopped him.

"Stay."

He sighed. "Just 'til you fall asleep," he said and kissed my ear.

Since we'd been living together I asked this almost every night. I knew he was reluctant to stay inside me after he came because he was afraid he would fall asleep and lose the condom, but so far there hadn't been any accidents.

The sweat started to dry on our skin and Brian pulled the covers back over us. He pulled me closer to his chest and I smiled. In his arms I felt warm, safe and full.

I buried my face in my pillow and fell asleep without fear.

~the end~